


I Won't Say I Love You (Even Though I Want To)

by regardinglove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anniversary, College, Cute, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Nerd Dean, Punk Castiel, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 08:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3603081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regardinglove/pseuds/regardinglove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this follow up to ‘Come and Get Your Love,' Dean is struggling to tell Cas three very important words after a year of dating. However, talking about feeling was never Dean's forte, and he'll need a little help to get the words out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Won't Say I Love You (Even Though I Want To)

It should be easy. Three words strung together in a phrase that would take seconds to speak into existence, that’s all it is. But for Dean, this is a lot more than just a few words. To him, it is a declaration, one that will finally reveal his true feelings for a certain punk-esque boy with raven hair and cerulean eyes. It is the pinnacle of a year’s worth of endless dates, chaste kisses, and passionate embraces. It is everything to Dean, and he doesn’t want to screw it up.

However, he knows Cas is getting impatient. The first time Cas told Dean he loved him, it was after their first time together. Their bodies were worn out and sated from the intense lovemaking, and Cas was curled up around Dean’s tired form. Just as Dean’s eyes were ready to flutter shut for a well deserved round of sleep, Cas nudged his lips up to Dean’s ear and whispered the three words into his ear.

“I love you.”

It had been easy for Cas, like breathing. The boy didn’t even hesitate or falter; he just said it like he was discussing the weather or an equation. He treated it like it was a simple fact that can’t be altered or argued against, and it warmed Dean’s heart to know that his feelings were requited.

He distinctly remembered opening his mouth, willing to words into existence. He also remembered feeling like his tongue was bitten off, and the feeling of panic that filled his being when he just couldn’t get his lips to cooperate with his brain. The pause that rang out between them was like a ticking time bomb, and Dean laid still in Cas’s arms as the minutes went by with no retort.

Finally, after what felt like a thousand years of silence, Cas spoke again. “You don’t have to say it back, you know. I know..this is a big thing for both of us.”

“I-,” Dean tried again, but his voice vanished in that second, leaving him floundering for any coherent thought.

Cas laughed next to him. “It’s okay, Dean. Go to sleep.”

That was that...until the next time. And the time after that...and the time after that. Every single time Cas told Dean he loved him, Dean tried to say it back but the words never could escape, getting lost on a rabbit trail somewhere between his brain and mouth. He’d try to get it out, but then he’d pause, waiting for his vocal chords to catch up with the blaring declaration in his head. It never did, and Cas always kissed away the lost look on Dean’s face anytime he couldn’t say it.

It became a routine for awhile, but it was not one that could last. Cas would tell Dean that he loved him, and Dean tried to show it back in different ways. He’d kiss him long and languid after the words were said, trying to show Cas that yes, he loved him too. He’d hold Cas’s hand as they walked the beach off their tiny, California college town, letting everyone know that this beautiful boy was spoken for. He’d practically worship Cas’s body as they tangoed between the sheets at night, his ‘I love you’ shown through touches and flicks of a wrist. It was what they did, Cas’s verbal declarations fitting in nicely with Dean’s physical ones. But physical acts of love could only get one so far, and it looked like Dean’s quota was about to run out.

They’re sitting in a coffee shop when falls apart. Cas is lounging in the corner booth, soaking in the last rays of sunlight for the day. His nose is burrowed in his copy of The Great Gatsby when Dean comes over with their drinks, a cappuccino for Cas and a hot chocolate for him.

“There you go,” Dean says as he lays the cup down in front of Cas. “One disgustingly dark cappuccino for the bookworm and a hot chocolate for me.”

Cas glances up from his book to throw Dean an appreciative smile. “Thanks,” he replies, then turns back to the pages, whispering the words to himself as he goes.

Dean grins as he pulls out his own homework from the backpack next to him, flipping through the endless pages of equations needed for his Calculus course. Just looking at the long line of numbers and letters is making his head turn, so he pushes it aside and scootches in close to Cas’s curled up form.

“Y’know, from the first time I’ve met you I’m pretty sure you’ve never put that book down. How many times do you need to read it before it gets boring?”

Cas sighs and closes the book, laying it down on the table in front of him. He picks up his coffee and brings it to his lips, tasting the dark roast on his tongue before he answers.

“It’s a classic and it’s my favorite. I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of it. And what about you? In the past year I’m pretty sure I’ve seen your read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy at least five times. You’re no better.”

Dean gapes at Cas. “Okay first off...I didn’t know that you knew that...and second, at least Hitchhikers is good! What even happens in Gatsby anyway? As far as I remember, rich dude falls for a girl he can’t have, doesn’t get over it when she rejects him, then takes the fall for said girl because he’s whipped as hell. And then to top it all off, he dies for it! I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make for a good story.”

Cas laughs as he takes another sip of his coffee. “You’re cute when you’re angry, you know that? But just for the record, you’ve got it all wrong. The whole point of the novel is to show the dysfunction of the jazz age and all it held dear. You’re supposed to feel uncomfortable with Gatsby’s infatuation with Daisy, the blatant disregard for rules, etcetera etcetera.”

Dean leans back in his seat and eyes Cas warily. “But it’s not better than Hitchhikers. That’s a classic if I ever saw one.”

He watches as Cas puts down his drink, and then moves forward when Cas gestures for him. Dean positions himself between Cas’s legs, and then the next thing he knows Cas’s arms are wrapped around his middle, holding him close to his warm body. They ignore the gaping looks they get from the other patrons; it’s just something they’ve gotten used to overtime, their college town filled with enough conservative, middle aged humans that their relationship is still seen as, well, unconventional. It’s a little grating, but Dean can ignore it when Cas’s lips appear at his ear, hot breath tickling his neck as Cas presses light kisses on his exposed skin.

“If that makes you feel better, then sure. Hitchhikers is better than Gatsby.”

Dean grins as he turns his head, meeting Cas’s pliant lips halfway. Their kiss is familiar and sensual, low and filled with a smoldering passion that is sure to come back later.

Eventually, a low cough from their left breaks them apart, and Dean looks up at Cas as he glares at their interrupter, an old lady who is giving them the stink eye from across the way.

“Just ignore her,” Dean says. “She’s got nothing on us.”

Cas glances down at Dean and smiles. “You’re right. All that matters is that I love you, right?”

There it is again. Those three words are haunting Dean now like a persistent ghost...or a bad case of toe fungus. He can’t decide which image is worse. He feels the tightening of his gut as he once again tries to get the words out and fails, his mouth gaping open widely.  

“Dean? Is something wrong?” Cas asks.

“No,” Dean replies, then shifts until his lips are on Cas’s again. He tries to transfer the feelings through his touch, letting his fingers card through Cas’s already unruly locks. He wants Cas to know that the love he feels for him is not unrequited, that Dean is just as willing to show the words. He needs Cas to know that he’s hopelessly in love with him, even if he can’t vocalize it.

When Cas kisses back, Dean almost sighs in relief, but of course it doesn’t last. They don’t last long before Cas is pushing Dean back, a worried look stirring behind his irises.

“Dean...why won’t you say that you love me?”

_Shit._

“Uh…” Dean trails off.

“I know that you do, but it’d be nice if you said it. And I know I’m being pushy, but I said it five months ago and you’ve never said it once. Am I looking into things?”

“Goodness, Cas, no! It’s just that-”

“What, Dean? What is holding you back?”

Dean falls into a silence as Cas looks at him with wary eyes. How can he explain it in a way that Cas will understand?

“Look...I want to, I really do, but...anytime I try the words get stuck. It’s like there’s this big fear I have that once we say the words, we can’t go back-”

“Do you want to go back?” Cas interrupts, his eyes turning away from Dean.

“No! It’s not that-”

“Then what is it, Dean?”

“Ugh, if you let me talk for ten seconds I’d explain it!” Dean exclaims, throwing his hands up. “It’s just that...the last time I told someone that I loved them they screwed me over.”

Cas nods as he gazes out the window. “Alistair,” he says.

“Yeah...and of course I know you’d never do that to me, but there’s a part of me that can’t let that go just yet. I...I just need more time.”

Dean expects Cas to walk away, but if he did then he wouldn’t be the boy he fell in love with. Instead, Cas pushes Dean and turns him until they’re looking into each other’s eyes, and the absolute understanding Dean finds there brings a comfort to his being.

“I get it,” Cas responds. “Please, take as long as you need. I’ll be here.”

He grins as he gets on his knees, placing his lips carefully against Cas’s. “You’re the best,” he whispers between pecks, loving the way Cas responds back with a trilling laugh.

“And don’t you forget it. Now how about we get back to the apartment? I’m starving.”

Dean gets out of the booth and grabs his backpack and untouched hot chocolate. He takes a quick swig of the drink and practically gags on the taste, a rush of sugar filling his mouth.

“Ugh, this tastes like Gabriel made it,” Dean replies as he helps Cas grab the rest of his books, then quickly tosses the drink in the nearest trash can. “It’s pure sugar.”

“I’ll make you a better one when we get home,” Cas promises as they exit the little coffee shop, curling his fingers around Dean’s as they walk.

Dean leans into Cas’s figure as they cross the street, and ends up wondering how he got this lucky.

* * *

“ _The big one year anniversary. What are you gonna do for it?_ ”

Dean is curled up on his bed as he aimlessly writes on a piece of paper; Sam’s voice is low and garbled in his ear from the bad phone signal. “I don’t know yet. Something big, though. I’ll probably take him to La Fontana or something fancy like that. Dude loves Italian food and I’ve heard good things from other students.”

“ _What about...y’know...telling him how you feel?_ ” Sam ventures, and Dean groans into the phone.

“He talked to you, didn’t he?”

“ _Yep. And he’s trying to be patient about it, but he told me that he feels a bit guilty because you should feel comfortable enough around him to say it, and you’re not. I tried explaining the Alistair thing a bit more, but unless he was there I don’t think he’ll ever truly get it._ ”

Dean cusses lowly and throws his pen across the room. “Dammit. That’s the last thing I wanted him to feel.”

“ _Then fix it._ ”

“How?” Dean asks as he gets up and paces the bedroom, willing any ideas to come. “I’ve tried saying it a thousand times, but it never works.”

Sam goes silent on the other end of the line, a light buzz filling the pause between them.

“ _Dean...I think I’ve got an idea. Are you going to be around this weekend?_ ”

Dean turns back towards his bed and flops onto it, letting his head hit the pillow. “Yeah, I think. Why?”

He can practically feel Sam’s wide grin from Lawrence. “ _Because I’ve got an idea, and we’ll need to work fast if we’re going to plan the best anniversary ever._ ”

* * *

In order for the boys to plan, Dean needs a distraction for Cas. He thinks up a few scenarios, but none of them would get him away for longer than a few hours. However, because Sam is a genius, Dean learns that Anna is visiting Lawrence for the weekend, and it would be the perfect time for a family reunion with Cas’s estranged parents. Of course it takes a bit of convincing to get Cas to go, but eventually he wears the boy down and lends him the Impala, shooing him out the door on Friday afternoon with a quick kiss to the lips.

A few minutes after Cas leaves, Sam pulls up in a beat up truck that must be a friend’s, and barrels out of the vehicle and into Dean’s arms at full speed.

“Whoa there, tiger. Calm down will ya?”

“I missed you. Is that wrong?” Sam mutters into Dean’s jacket, nuzzling against the flannel fabric.

Dean laughs. “Okay, you giant puppy. Get off me and let’s get your stuff upstairs.”

Sam complies and gestures to the truck, and Dean walks over to help him grab the plastic bags full of the supplies out of the back. One look into them and Dean can already see a lot of pastel paper, markers, glue, and even a roll of lace.

“Dude, what is all this girly crap?” Dean complains as he follows Sam into the building. “If you forgot, Cas isn’t the frilly type. He rides a freaking motorcycle, for goodness sakes.”

Sam throws him a glare as they cross the threshold into the apartment, dropping his bags on the counter. “You don’t even know what it’s for yet. Calm down, will ya? So overdramatic,” he mutters under his breath.

Dean drops his bags onto the ground and begins pulling out the items. Cardstock, a planner, poster board, and enough markers to keep a kindergarten class happy for months are only a few of the items Dean pulls out, all while wondering what in the world Sam is planning to do with all of this.

“Oh, no you didn’t,” Dean moans when he pulls out the Barry White CD. “What the hell-”

“Uh, that’s not for you,” Sam stammers as he makes a grab for the object. “I, uh, bought that for a friend of mine,” he says quickly, but it’s the worst lie Sam’s ever told. His face flushes immediately when he gets it back, shoving it into his backpack before Dean can think about it too hard.

“Psh okay, Sammy. Glad to know you and Jess are tryin’ to spice up the relationship with ‘the best romance tunes of the century’,” Dean says in a mocking tone, reciting the words written on the front of the CD cover.

Sam blushes harder as he clears his throat, then gestures to the items Dean’s laid out on the table. “Okay enough of that,” Sam says. “Let’s get down to business. Now, you can’t open your big mouth and tell Cas that you love him, correct?”

Dean throws Sam a glare. “Yes...I guess you could phrase it that way.”

“Oh, I will. Anyway, I’ve got a plan in mind. If you can’t go out and say it, why don’t you write it down? We’ll pull a whole Love Actually move and have you write out cards listing all the reasons why you love Cas, and we’ll make a path around town. That’s what the markers and poster board are for. Then, at each location he’ll read a sign and get a clue as to where to go next, hence the cardstock and the ‘girly stuff’,” Sam says in a tone loaded with sarcasm, “and then, when he finally gets to the last place, you’ll hold up a big sign that says ‘I love you’. Everyone cheers, kisses, yaddha yaddha.”

Dean blinks. Everything about it is cheesy and over the top. It is ridiculous, rot your teeth cute, and it is the closest Dean has ever come to a romantic comedy. It could never work unless Dean’s willing to lose every masculine trait in his body.

He loves it.

* * *

As the airplane touches down at LAX, Cas has never been happier to see California. Of course it was nice to get away from the dorms for a weekend, and seeing Anna was wonderful, but having to deal with his parents whispering behind his back was tiring. It was like they forgot he was even in the room, muttering about his ‘unholy attire’ and ‘why did he have to major in art when he’s clever enough to be a lawyer?’ all weekend long. The only time Cas could sate them was when he was talking about Dean at dinner, and even then they asked why a nice boy like Dean Winchester was dating a rebel like Cas.

Needless to say, Cas kept quiet for the rest of the meal after that.

After he navigates the eccentric airport and grabs his bags, Cas beelines for the parking lot where he parked Dean’s Impala for the weekend. Attached to it is a piece of yellow paper, and Cas groans. If he got a ticket while he was away, he’d freak.

As he approaches closer, Cas can tell that the piece of paper is not a police reprimand. No, instead it covered in glitter, looking like the art project of a kindergartener. With careful fingers, Cas pulls the offending object out of the windshield wiper and smiles when he recognizes the familiar handwriting on the page.

_Cas,_

_I hope this doesn’t fly away before you get to it. The wind’s been a bitch these past few days and even though I grew up in the Midwest, I’m not used to the cold weather here. Can you believe it got below fifty degrees in California while you were gone? We came here to get away from winter, not embrace it._

_Anyway, I hope your trip was great. If you want to see me, go to this address and look for a big poster board and a piece of paper like this one._

_-Dean_

A little blip of surprise jumps through Cas’s being. Dean’s never been one for spontaneity, but Cas isn’t about to question the change of heart. With a smile on his face he climbs into the Impala and throws his duffel bag on the seat, taking off into the creeping sunset towards the first location on the list: a little place called Harvelle’s Roadhouse.

* * *

The familiar wooden building comes into Cas’s vision as he pulls off the freeway. He’d recognize it from anywhere; it has been a staple in Dean and Cas’s relationship ever since they moved to California for college, the old bar the only place they could go where they weren’t force fed fancy quiches or sushi. It was a classic American place with good burgers and better beer, and the fact that the owner, Ellen, fancied the boys wasn’t bad either. It quickly became their place, a weekly excursion that always promised a good time. He grins when the Impala rolls to a stop in front of the Roadhouse, and he walks into the bar with a spring in his step.

Surprisingly, the place is empty besides a few stragglers. Cas would’ve thought that a Sunday night would be full of post-season football fans and hockey watchers, but the TV is set to a hunting channel that’s on silent and no one Cas knows is in sight. If he wasn’t familiar with the interior, he’d wonder if he got the right place.

“Well, look who it is!”

Cas turns his head and smiles when Ellen comes out of the back room, a dish towel slung over her arm.

“Nice to see you again, Ellen.”

The older woman grins back and leans down behind the bar, pulling out a piece of paper similar to the one Cas found on the Impala’s windshield. “Your boy came through here yesterday, said to give this to you. I don’t know what he’s trying to pull, but it’s big.”

Cas takes the paper from her hand and unfolds it, reading the next address on it. He knows the park it is leading him to well, a tiny place across from campus where Dean and Cas go to study on weekends.

“But before you go…” Ellen trails off, then walks into the back room to retrieve a big poster board with tiny writing on it. “Dean left this behind. Said it was important that you read it before heading out.”

He nods as he grabs the poster, bringing it over to an empty table. He lays it down and takes a seat, reading the carefully written words slowly.

_Cas,_

_Look, I know that I’m bad with words, but I’m gonna try for you. This is the first of three poster boards you will get today, and I hope that by writing it down I’ll be able to tell you how I really feel, because apparently I can’t get the words out otherwise._

_I remember when we first met. I’d been crushing on you for the entire school year but you never noticed me, and that first day we were partners in Bio was amazing. Everyone else thinks you’re scary because of the punk facade, but I know better. You’re the nicest guy I know, and I’m privileged that out of everyone at Carver Prep, you chose me and I chose you._

_(Okay, I’m not gonna lie I got a little help from Sammy on that one, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)_

_You’ll find the next board at the park._

_-Dean_

Cas gets up from the chair and says a quick goodbye to Ellen, bringing the poster with him. He puts it in the back of the Impala and then gets inside, ready for the next destination.

* * *

By the time Cas reaches the park, dusk is settling over the tiny college town. The air is nippy, and Cas pulls his jacket closer to his body as he gets out of the car.  He ends up wandering through the grassy area, trying to find the next board Dean left for him.

It feels like its been hours when Cas finally finds it tucked away between two ferns, the top of the board peeking out from behind the foliage. With a sigh Cas goes over and grabs it, holding it up to the streetlamp so he can read it properly.

_Cas,_

_Do you remember prom? You basically saved my ass that day and I’ll never forget it. You managed to take a bad part of my life and shape it into something that could be forgotten, and I have you to thank for my new journey into loving again._

_I don’t say it enough, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me._

He laughs out loud when he finds scribbled conversations in the sidelines, Sam writing ‘I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you, jerk’ with Dean replying ‘I’m sorry, Cas, Sam is being a bitch.’ However, he manages to get past it when he looks down a little ways, Dean’s handwriting coming back into a full paragraph.

_Anyway, what I really want to say will come out at the next stop. Take the paper attached to the back of this board and go where it says. I’ll be there this time._

_-Dean_

Cas flips the board over and grabs the pink paper attached, this one filled with lace. Directions to the local beach are attached, and once again Cas heads off to meet the love of his life.

* * *

The stars are alive in the sky when Cas reaches the shores of Florence Beach. When he exits the Impala, he throws off his sneakers and allows his toes to curl in the lukewarm sand, still holding a bit of warmth from the day’s rays. After quickly locking up the Impala, Cas makes his way towards the water, a tiny figure in the distance waving to him from the shore.

“Dean?” Cas calls as he gets closer, and sure enough his boyfriend comes running forward with a bright grin on his face, the final poster board in his hand. 

“Cas, don’t say anything,” Dean commands in a stern tone, and then flips the board over. “Just read aloud what is written there please.”

“Cas,” he begins, “now that we’re finally together, I’ve got something to say to you. I know I’m bad with words, as you’ve probably witnessed already today, so I’m going to use one of my favorite quotes to tell you how I feel. In Silver Linings Playbook, Pat tells Tiffany this: ‘Thank you. I love you. I knew it from the moment I met you. I’m sorry it took so long for me to catch up.”

He pauses there, bringing his eyes up to stare into Dean’s. “You...you mean it?” Cas asks with a trembling voice, hardly believing that Dean is finally saying those three words he’s wanted to hear for months now.

Dean just nods, and then opens his mouth. At first nothing comes out, but after a few seconds of silence Dean’s voice rings through the air, saying three very important words.

“I love you.”

Cas doesn’t even read the rest of the board. He plunges forward and captures Dean’s lips with his own, claiming this love with teeth and tongue. Dean drops the board and kisses back fiercely, leaning down to give Cas better access to his extremely sensitive neck. The moans that come from both of them would probably bring a blush to anyone in hearing distance, but he does not care. Dean finally told him that he loves him, and that’s all that matters.

“I love you,” Dean whispers between kisses. “Now that I’ve said it, I can’t stop. I love you I love you I love you.”

He can’t believe the warmth that spreads through his body, and he leans back to look into Dean’s eyes. “I love you too, Dean. And I always will.”

Dean grins back and then takes his hand, bringing their fingers together. “You wanna go for a walk?”

Cas only pecks a kiss on his boyfriend’s lips and guides them forward. “I’d love to.”


End file.
